In a time when I should really be blogging MUCH more often (as I’m going through some pretty tough and generally strange times right now) is actually the time when I felt the need to stay away from my blog and the online world in general. I’ve not really been able to pinpoint the reason behind this as my website has always been something of a release for me. It’s something that I use to express what’s on my mind and purge my mind.

The harsh reality of the situation is that the weblog is often times not the perfect or ideal solution for venting and for getting things off your chest. The reasons are simple. You end up sounding like some whiny git, or you upset people in your real life that might take offence with what you’ve written. So in effect over the past couple of weeks I’ve just kept silent because of that.

As if that would be enough, it’s not. I can’t really talk about my personal life as much as I’d like to. I’m a very open person, so most (if not all) of my thoughts are written on my face, so my site should really be a reflection of that right? Wrong. I can’t really talk about soo many things that I would like to get off my chest because these words are then let out into the wild. Left into the cyber realm far away from my control. I can’t realistically hide my writing from some people. It’s like some people I’d love for them to be able to read things that I write while others I’d like to filter that sort of thing out. Or does it really matter? That’s what’s been going on in my head these past few weeks and to be honest it’s not until I actually sat down and started writing these things down did I realise what was annoying me, what was keeping me away.

In a way I guess blogging is less (to me at least) about what it was in the beginning. At first it was all about expression. You did your thing and got on with it, because NO ONE was watching us in the beginning. Nobody really cared about what these guys did in the fringes of the internet. We had a certain amount of anonymity.

I’m currently at a crossroads. This is a crossroads that will effect my online presence, as this week I was seriously considering packing in the pipe dreams of graphic novels, artwork, design, graphics and the lot and just concentrating on engineering. I know it’s fucking strange to hear and it seems as though I’ve given up after a fashion.

Then yesterday I remembered something. It’s a feeling only artists can feel. Maybe designers as well, but artists more so, because they’re doing all the lifting. It’s about the feeling of completing the piece of artwork in front of you. You start off with a blank piece of paper, with only a vision, a clear idea of what the final drawing will look like once you’ve completed it. Once you’ve laid the last bit of ink, or completed the paint and it’s dried, that feeling lasts only a little while; the problem is that engineering can NEVER replicate that feeling, no matter how much I decide to give it time and energy and effort.

So am I packing it in? Probably not just yet, but I definitely needed to have this heart to heart to get things off my chest, and I guess that’s what it’s all about.